The Boobless Life

If you didn’t guess from the title, this entry is the very definition of TMI.  If you are, say, a male relative or a former coworker, you might want to skip this blog entry in the interest of staying blissfully ignorant of such private matters.  Consider yourself warned.

For any woman curious about what it’s like to suddenly be flat-chested after many years of being the opposite of flat-chested, especially anyone facing a mastectomy, I thought it might be useful to share my story.  It’s now been nearly three months since my bilateral mastectomy.  The pain is gone, most of my flexibility is back, and I’ve been working out like a fiend to try to undo the damage from months of chemotherapy and surgery recovery.  It’s just me and my new body.  I haven’t decided if I want to go through reconstruction at the end of the year, or at all.  But there’s no deadline.  Here are some of the pros and cons of living the boobless life:

PRO: I’m very glad that I had both breasts removed.  Absolutely no regrets.  As difficult as this has been, I can’t imagine how hard it would have been had I kept the healthy, larger breast. I would be fighting with my clothes, lopsided, uncomfortable, and feeling pressure to wear a prosthesis.  This way, I don’t have to do any reconstruction if I don’t want to.  This could be it! Radiation has given me another reason to be grateful that I went boob-free: I would have had to reveal my one giant boob to a rotating team of radiation techs on a daily basis for seven straight weeks.  No thank you. 

CON: I’m not actually as flat-chested as I expected.  The surgeon left the natural fat pads along the sides (near my arm pits) and there is also some flesh left near where my cleavage used to be. These weird lumps and bumps on my front and sides make it awkward to wear tight T-shirts. I’m hoping some of this goes away through exercise and a healthier diet, but I suspect I’m stuck with ‘em unless I have some kind of surgery.

PRO: Exercise is way more comfortable, especially when it comes to jogging and bhangra.  Anything that involved bouncing previously required a very complex system of exercise bras and heavy duty underwires, plus constant adjustment.  I feel so liberated!

CON: In some exercise classes, particularly Barre, I feel a bit like a freak.  So many sweet young things with lovely figures and pretty hair.  I try to smile a lot so that I don’t seem scary. I have also resisted throttling the women in the class who are my age, wear probably a size 4, and are complaining about their “side boob fat.” 

PRO: Certain clothes like button down shirts and tight-fitting jackets fit so easily now!  No gapping! 

CON: I need a new wardrobe. Many of my old clothes look odd and my outfits don’t balance very well.

PRO: I need a new wardrobe. heh heh

PRO: I don’t need to wear a bra. Period!  I can get dressed faster and hopping into bed at the end of the day is a snap.  No worrying about if I have the right color bra under certain shirts or if I need a smooth bra vs. lace, etc. Plus, no underwire chafing!

CON: Every once in a while, I miss wearing bras. They can be so pretty! But probably less expensive this way.  I was becoming what one might call a "bra hoarder."

PRO: Somehow being flat-chested makes me feel more sophisticated.  This is probably a reflection of the many conflicting pressures that society continues to place on women in order to keep them subordinate to men and perpetuate body image dissatisfaction, therefore driving fashion consumption.  But hey, if you’ve lost your lemons, ya gotta appreciate the lemonade life serves you.  Or something like that.

CON: Even though there are many, many days when I feel strong and powerful for beating cancer, there probably just as many days that I feel unsexy.  Sexless actually. I’ve even had a couple of men make cruel comments under their breath when they’ve passed by me.  It was upsetting at first, and then I realized they are likely ignorant players in the aforementioned conflicting societal pressures, probably stupid, and definitely have small penises.

PRO: I can hold the people I love very, very close now. I can give big bear hugs to friends and family.  My husband can really wrap his arms around my back and pull me in close to his chest. My son and daughter cuddle right up to me and I can feel my heart beating against their little warm bodies.

CON: There is no downside to this.

Journey Through Egypt: A MUST for Belly Dancers

I have been wanting to write this entry for a while.  Several weeks have passed since taking Sahra Saeeda’s Journey Through Egypt 1 program in Seattle and it is still blowing my mind.  Radiation treatment and adjustment to life post-cancer have taken up a bit of time, so I hope I can be forgiven for being so late in posting this.  But if you are a belly dancer, please read on. I kid you not: this is life-changing stuff.

Mirabai, Sahra and I at the workshop

To begin with, it might be helpful to understand where I’m coming from.  I started belly dancing in the early 1990’s.  I learned from a spectacular Greek teacher, Zaphara, and then expanded my training to learn from tons of teachers around the U.S., Canada, Australia and Egypt including a protégé of Bobby Farah (Maleeha) as well as taking workshops with Mahmoud Reda every chance I got.  I have briefly studied under folkloric experts such as Mish Mish and Helene Eriksen. I love the many forms belly dance embodies and tried to honor it by getting little nibbles of true Egyptian culture whenever possible.  Sahra’s Journey Through Egypt was more than a nibble.  It was a lifetime of nourishment that I have been looking for and I can’t wait to get more.

Sahra’s method of breaking down Egyptian dance into form and region made 20 years of belly dancing suddenly make sense.  I feel a bit like I have been groping in the dark, trying to understand Egyptian dance through bits and pieces:  a little Saidi here, some Ghawazee there, a base knowledge of Little Egypt, familiarity with modern Egyptian greats like Dina or Fifi Abdo.  Basking in Sahra’s presence for 20 hours was like suddenly turning the lights on.

The gorgeous Shining modeling
one of Sahra's folkloric costumes

To begin with, her method of breaking down regional dance forms into “homestyle,” “local professionals,” “regional government-sponsored,” “national troupes,” and “stage professionals” kicked all of the “what’s authentic/what isn’t authentic” talk to the curb.  It gave a whole new vocabulary to approaching authenticity.  A dance performed casually at home is going to be different from the way it is interpreted intellectually for stage and different yet from the way it might receive a nod from dancers performing in grand Egyptian hotels. All of these forms are legitimately artistic in their own way.  It is up to the smart, knowledgeable dancer to understand dance origins and make choices about how to weave various forms into a performance.

Another highlight of the three-day course was learning just how integral dance is in Egyptian life.  It’s difficult to make a comparison to the U.S.  Through the Journey Through Egypt course, it became clear that dance is (or at least, has been for many centuries) a part of daily life in Egypt.  It is how people celebrate weddings, it’s how housewives shake the blues, it’s how a community grieves.  Since the last of the European-backed kings left Egypt in the 1950’s, the Egyptian government embarked on a concerted effort to preserve and promote regional Egyptian dances by supporting two national dance companies as well as creating local government-sponsored dance programs.  There simply is no parallel for the way dance is woven into Egyptian culture to how we function in American culture. No wonder my understanding has been so fuzzy all of these years.

Classic Sahra from way back when!

On top of everything, Sahra is an amazing teacher.  Every question we asked led us to another charming story of her experiences in Egypt or with Mahmoud Reda.  She was endlessly generous with her knowledge and openly supportive of others who want to do research into Egyptian dance.  More than that, she bared her heart to us.  Though apologetic and embarrassed for her periodic tears, Sahra’s display of emotion for the dance that she loves – that we all love – was just further proof that she was speaking directly from the heart.

Thank you, Sahra. Thank you to the beautiful team of Kiteria and Maila for hosting the workshop. And thank you also to Roxy for hostingSahra next year.  I’ll be there for JtE2 with bells on and am dreaming of JtE3. I am humbled beyond belief with how much more there is to learn.

Looks like I might have a buddy to join me on future Egyptian adventures...