The Boobless Life

If you didn’t guess from the title, this entry is the very definition of TMI.  If you are, say, a male relative or a former coworker, you might want to skip this blog entry in the interest of staying blissfully ignorant of such private matters.  Consider yourself warned.

For any woman curious about what it’s like to suddenly be flat-chested after many years of being the opposite of flat-chested, especially anyone facing a mastectomy, I thought it might be useful to share my story.  It’s now been nearly three months since my bilateral mastectomy.  The pain is gone, most of my flexibility is back, and I’ve been working out like a fiend to try to undo the damage from months of chemotherapy and surgery recovery.  It’s just me and my new body.  I haven’t decided if I want to go through reconstruction at the end of the year, or at all.  But there’s no deadline.  Here are some of the pros and cons of living the boobless life:

PRO: I’m very glad that I had both breasts removed.  Absolutely no regrets.  As difficult as this has been, I can’t imagine how hard it would have been had I kept the healthy, larger breast. I would be fighting with my clothes, lopsided, uncomfortable, and feeling pressure to wear a prosthesis.  This way, I don’t have to do any reconstruction if I don’t want to.  This could be it! Radiation has given me another reason to be grateful that I went boob-free: I would have had to reveal my one giant boob to a rotating team of radiation techs on a daily basis for seven straight weeks.  No thank you. 

CON: I’m not actually as flat-chested as I expected.  The surgeon left the natural fat pads along the sides (near my arm pits) and there is also some flesh left near where my cleavage used to be. These weird lumps and bumps on my front and sides make it awkward to wear tight T-shirts. I’m hoping some of this goes away through exercise and a healthier diet, but I suspect I’m stuck with ‘em unless I have some kind of surgery.

PRO: Exercise is way more comfortable, especially when it comes to jogging and bhangra.  Anything that involved bouncing previously required a very complex system of exercise bras and heavy duty underwires, plus constant adjustment.  I feel so liberated!

CON: In some exercise classes, particularly Barre, I feel a bit like a freak.  So many sweet young things with lovely figures and pretty hair.  I try to smile a lot so that I don’t seem scary. I have also resisted throttling the women in the class who are my age, wear probably a size 4, and are complaining about their “side boob fat.” 

PRO: Certain clothes like button down shirts and tight-fitting jackets fit so easily now!  No gapping! 

CON: I need a new wardrobe. Many of my old clothes look odd and my outfits don’t balance very well.

PRO: I need a new wardrobe. heh heh

PRO: I don’t need to wear a bra. Period!  I can get dressed faster and hopping into bed at the end of the day is a snap.  No worrying about if I have the right color bra under certain shirts or if I need a smooth bra vs. lace, etc. Plus, no underwire chafing!

CON: Every once in a while, I miss wearing bras. They can be so pretty! But probably less expensive this way.  I was becoming what one might call a "bra hoarder."

PRO: Somehow being flat-chested makes me feel more sophisticated.  This is probably a reflection of the many conflicting pressures that society continues to place on women in order to keep them subordinate to men and perpetuate body image dissatisfaction, therefore driving fashion consumption.  But hey, if you’ve lost your lemons, ya gotta appreciate the lemonade life serves you.  Or something like that.

CON: Even though there are many, many days when I feel strong and powerful for beating cancer, there probably just as many days that I feel unsexy.  Sexless actually. I’ve even had a couple of men make cruel comments under their breath when they’ve passed by me.  It was upsetting at first, and then I realized they are likely ignorant players in the aforementioned conflicting societal pressures, probably stupid, and definitely have small penises.

PRO: I can hold the people I love very, very close now. I can give big bear hugs to friends and family.  My husband can really wrap his arms around my back and pull me in close to his chest. My son and daughter cuddle right up to me and I can feel my heart beating against their little warm bodies.

CON: There is no downside to this.