Boobless or Bust

Surgery is now just a couple of days away.  I feel ready, to the point where I just want to get it over with and begin healing.  It’s a little scary to think about how odd my body will look without breasts, but the outpouring support and love I have received has given me the strength and courage I need for this next step.

Farewell to Titsy…and to Big Mountain

A few posts ago I talked about having only Titsy, the left (cancerous) breast, removed.  It is still true that there is no real medical reason for removing both breasts.  However, after much deliberation and many conversations with my oncologist and surgeon, I have made the personal choice to have both breasts removed. 

I might have surgery on my mind,
but did this Fred Meyer cash register read
"Boob Void?!"

Here is my thinking: Big Mountain, the right breast, is perfectly healthy and therefore has the same potential for getting breast cancer as any, non-genetically predisposed breast.  There is a 1 in 8 chance a woman will get breast cancer in her lifetime, and I’ve heard slightly greater chances for those of us in the Northwest, more like 1 in 7.  So, while I would never recommend based on these statistics that all woman go around lopping off their breasts, in my case, I don’t want to go through this again.  I feel like my family and I are going through hell and back with treatment and if I can eliminate the chance of going through this again, I’m all for it.  If chances were more like 1 in 100, okay, maybe there’d be a reason to hang onto the healthy breast.  But 1 in 7 is just too much of a risk for me.  And, as my oncologist confirmed, there might be a slightly greater chance of getting breast cancer in the healthy breast just because we don’t really know what caused cancer in the left breast in the first place.  If it was some mysterious cancer-causing thing I ate or breathed or came in contact with over my lifetime, Big Mountain was there right alongside Titsy the whole time and had the same exposure. (P.S. The nicknames came about when breastfeeding my kids and trying to keep track of feedings in the midst of mind-numbing sleep-deprivation.)

I can’t emphasize enough what a personal choice this is.  Every breast cancer patient is unique: there is variability in the types and stages of cancer, bodies are different, life journeys are different.  In my case, I am done breastfeeding children.  Also, hauling around a giant DDD breast for about a year before it could be reduced sounded like a nightmare and a recipe for major back problems.  This way, I can decide if and when to undergo reconstruction.  Who knows, maybe it will feel so good to go running without having to wear two sports bras and an underwire that I’ll stay flat as pancake for the rest of my life?!  

Mastecto-Mix

As I head into surgery, I’ve been trying to come up with my playlist.  Yes, really.  I can’t take credit for the idea. My awesome friend, Erin, put together her own “Mastecto-Mix” before her surgery and her surgeon, whom we share in common, still remembers it years after.  I believe hers started with “The First Cut is the Deepest.”  I’m adding in the 1968 “You’ve Got to Have Boobs” by Ruth Wallis.  Nina Simone’s “Ain’t Got No, I Got Life” needs to be on the playlist, too.  Some friends have suggested that since I’ll no longer be a busty gal that I should highlight other assets and therefore should include songs like “Baby Got Back.”  I’m looking for inspiration, so if you’ve got ideas, send ‘em my way!

Warding Off Evil Spirits

The Great Veil Mountain

My wonderful belly dance community came out in full force to exorcise evil cancer spirits and pour love on me.  It was amazing.  Our “Tata to the Tatas” party was kindly hosted by Mirabai at a yoga studio in West Seattle and even included boob piñatas.  I lost count, but I think there were about fifty women there.  Excuse me, fifty fabulous women.  Truly.  From two of the grande dames of Seattle belly dance, Mish Mish and Zaphara, to many of the professionals and instructors, to my own dear students, we packed the place with glittery pink sweetness and strong, confident beauty.  Each woman danced and placed a veil on me and later offered affirmations, prayers and uplifting words.  The talented Antoinette of Magic Magpie Studio was there doing henna designs on the women, some reflecting Hildegard, the crab tattoo on my neck who is helping me fight cancer. The party was also intended as a Zaar, a ritual originating in north and east Africa to ward off evil spirits.  Mish Mish led us in drumming, clapping, chanting and swinging our heads about until I could feel the evil cancer spirits quivering in fear and my own spirit lifting.  I left feeling stronger than ever.

We also raised $300 for the Healing Garden for cancer patients at Providence St. Peter Hospital.  If you are interested in buying a t-shirt, here is the link for the current campaign.  I'm also planning a fundraising dance show in Olympia on June 28...stay tuned for more details!

Looking Ahead

It sounds like I’ll be laid flat for at least two weeks, with another 3-4 weeks to start feeling like my old self again.  Soon, probably early April, I will start radiation for 6 weeks, nearly every day.  The earliest I can consider reconstruction will be in December 2015 and then it will be over a year of surgeries before that process is completed.  Silicone and saline are not options for me because of radiation treatment: the best I can hope for are Frankenboobs constructed from my own flesh that are significantly smaller than my current situation. So, those who mention something about how lucky I am that I will get perky boobs might get a cross-eyed look from me.  Or might get punched.

Peace and Healing

I have been going to a yoga nidra class at Olympia’s Yoga Loft.  There is some gentle stretching, but mostly the class is a guided meditation.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, or what I would get out of it but I figured I’d just let the process wash over me and see what happened.  At the very worst, it would be nearly 90 minutes of peace and quiet which, with two little kids and loud Italian husband, are in short supply at my house.  Last week, as I drove away after the class, I thought about how nice it was to relax but there wasn’t much else to it.  That’s when I had an epiphany.  Through all of this cancer business, part of me has been feeling wounded.  I still feel like I’m an okay mom, an okay wife, I have great friends, and someday my business will build back up after I get through treatment.  I realized the part of me hurting the most right now is the belly dancer in me.  She is the one who likes to feel beautiful, to feel her hair fly around her shoulders as she moves, to feel energetic, sensuous and feminine. She’s losing so much through all of this.  For this reason, I am doubly grateful to my belly dance community for rallying around me and making me feel beautiful and cherished no matter what.

I chose to have Antoinette henna my head so that I can carry that belly dancer brand of love with me into the surgery room.  In 2013, Antoinette did a henna design on my belly when I was pregnant with Lovisa.  I love the idea that henna decorations are traveling with me through major life passages.  Here’s to the new life beyond.

My henna belly when I was pregnant
with Lovisa

My henna head, with sweet Lovisa looking on.